Policing Ourselves: Conflict Resolution Process

Feb 8, 2024 by L Michael Hall

NLP Leadership Summit
Conflict Resolution for Unprofessional Behavior — January 12, 2016

We have agreed that we will deal with conflicts are they arise and to do so in a direct way so as to not avoid it, but address it in a calm and respectful way. We agree to see conflict as simply differences in perspectives rather than blame or make the other wrong. We will seek first to understand and clarify.

Conflict Subjects: When there is behaviors in language and actions that violate —
1) Ethics: unethical behavior: hurting others, yelling and cursing at people in a training, criticizing and mocking someone not present, sexual misbehavior, mis-handling of money (not giving people products or services as paid for), not living up to the Association’s standards.
2) Professionalism: drug or high when presenting, constant cursing, or use of disrespectful language, mis-representing self in advertisements, not fulfilling business promises made in advertizing, etc.
3) Relationships: Infighting, backbiting, adopting a “holier than thou” attitude, saying or implying that we do NLP right, and others do not. Rejecting people simply because they disagree, acting as if one’s maps are real.
4) Competence: Poor quality of presentation: due to low level competence, or being in the wrong state.

Process:
1) We will Communicate Directly and Openly.
We will speak first to the person with whom we are in conflict with and not talk “bad” about someone to others. If we do so, it will be to get help in how we can be more resourceful in handling the conflict. We will not repeat negative or hurtful things about any one else. If we do, we will stop and apologize as we catch ourselves or as someone else catches us speaking ill of another. When we communicate our emotions, especially anger, frustration, stress, etc., we can make sure that both we and the other knows that emotions are just emotions and that we can express them so that the other doesn’t take them as an attack.

2) We will Manage our States as best we can.
We will take ownership of our own thoughts and emotions without projecting them onto another. We will use “I” statements, rather than “You…” statements. We will deal with conflict or misunderstanding: from states of respect, calmness, honor, care, and rapport. We will listen to understand.

3) We will first Gather High Quality Information.
We will use the precision questions of the Meta-Model to ask good information gathering questions in order to understand with accuracy and specificity.

4) We will Assume Responsibility for ourselves.
When we see unprofessional behavior, unethical behavior, poor quality performances, etc., we will take responsibility to speak up as we can to try to influence in respectful ways. We will do so as an individual, not a representative of a group.

5) We will use Mediation when necessary.
When necessary, we will invite one or two others to serve as mediators in the conflict so that both sides will get a fair hearing and create a dialogue for understanding.

6) We will use the Wisdom among us to help deal with conflicts.
We will develop a group of “wise people” among us who we can make available to deal with a problem. “Who is the right or best person to approach this person?” This will be a group of “blue hats” we can offer as a resource.

7) We will seek to create win/win Resolutions.
We will believe in the positive intention of people and seek to call that forth and then find ways to either understand, be patient with, tolerate, each other.

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